WEBVTT 1 00:00:06.230 --> 00:00:14.330 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Welcome everyone welcome. We have one more awesome Science Fiction writers, week premium day workshop for you. 2 00:00:14.570 --> 00:00:18.330 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: If you can see and hear me drop your location in the chat. 3 00:00:19.030 --> 00:00:22.209 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: and I will drop some special links for you. 4 00:00:28.250 --> 00:00:30.790 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Hello! From Latvia. 5 00:00:34.760 --> 00:00:38.589 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: If you can see and hear me drop your location in the chat. 6 00:00:38.610 --> 00:00:44.080 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Hello! From Idaho, California, and yes, Edwin, these days flew by 7 00:00:44.150 --> 00:00:49.150 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: it. It's so many sessions when you think about it, but then it just it flies so quickly 8 00:00:49.210 --> 00:00:51.369 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: I can't believe it's already the last one. 9 00:00:52.100 --> 00:01:06.560 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Hello, everyone. Okay. It looks like we are good to go. You can see and hear me just fine welcome back to everybody for one more premium day session. I'm Michelle with pro writing aid, and we're so happy to have you back. It's been great having you all here this week. 10 00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:31.189 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: and we are ready to kick things off once again with Savannah Gilbo. I have just a couple of notes for you first.st So your replays for Monday through Thursday are still on the regular Science fiction writers. Week hub. But today's replays are on the premium hub. So the link for the premium hub should be in the email you received today. And it's also in the chat. And I will drop it intermittently throughout 11 00:01:31.470 --> 00:01:33.010 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: the session today 12 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:52.080 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: with our other links. If you don't see the replays up yet, they will be up very soon. It just takes a little bit of time with processing between Zoom and Youtube. And these sessions are a little bit longer. So they take a little bit more time. The replays will be also posted to our community page by next Friday, so you can also enjoy them there. 13 00:01:52.370 --> 00:02:16.689 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: If you would like to join our community, we'd love to have you. We can keep the Sci-fi writing conversation going. You can join with your parading aid account. It's free to join. It's very easy, and then you can have the live event. Chat is where we're all talking currently. But then there's the event recording space where you can see the replays from all of our past writers weeks. So there's a lot of great content for you there to explore. 14 00:02:16.840 --> 00:02:19.029 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Check it out. We'd love to have you over there 15 00:02:19.530 --> 00:02:42.260 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: if you wouldn't mind leaving your feedback for us in our survey, we would greatly appreciate it. It's super helpful as we're planning future events. If you can tell us what you enjoyed what you didn't enjoy suggestions for what you'd like to see next time anything is helpful. So the type form link is in the chat. It's a pretty quick survey, and we would greatly appreciate you doing that for us 16 00:02:42.500 --> 00:03:06.950 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: reminders for today's session. If you have a question for Savannah, please use the QA box so that we don't miss it. You are welcome to use the chat to talk with fellow attendees today, but if you want everyone to see your message. You will need to make sure that you select everyone in the drop down, menu beside 2 by default. They just come to the host. So we want to make sure that if you want to chat, everybody can see what you have to say. 17 00:03:08.080 --> 00:03:20.209 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: All right. And with that being said, I'm so excited to once again introduce Savannah Gilbo. Savannah is a certified developmental editor and book coach, who helps fiction. Authors write edit and publish stories that work. 18 00:03:20.210 --> 00:03:38.949 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: She's also the host of the top rated fiction writing made easy podcast where she delivers weekly episodes, full of simple actionable and step by step, strategies that you can implement in your writing right away. When she's not busy crafting her own stories. You can find Savannah curled up with a good book, a cozy blanket, and her 3 furry partners in crime. 19 00:03:39.050 --> 00:03:40.650 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Welcome back, Savannah! 20 00:03:40.870 --> 00:04:04.209 Savannah Gilbo: Thank you so much for having me back. I was telling Michelle before we started, that this is my 1st time coming back for 2 days during any of pro writing aids wonderful events which is so cool, and it's my 1st time being the closer of the event, which is also so cool. So I am so excited to be here with you guys, I see you're here from everywhere in the world, which is amazing. And we're gonna go through some pages today. So we're gonna look at 21 00:04:04.250 --> 00:04:13.859 Savannah Gilbo: 5 sets of 5 pages, which is so fun. And I just want to start off by saying thank you to everybody who submitted your pages for feedback. 22 00:04:13.860 --> 00:04:37.529 Savannah Gilbo: I know it can be really scary to do, especially if you've never had someone look at your pages before, or you're writing, and you know, if you don't know me, it could be scary to submit pages, so you're so brave for submitting them. Thank you so much for submitting them because we're gonna learn a lot today. So not only are the writers who submitted their pages going to get specific feedback on their pages. 23 00:04:37.530 --> 00:05:05.389 Savannah Gilbo: But we're also going to learn through those examples. So you know, I hope you're all feeling really good about how brave you are to submit these pages and also about getting feedback, because it's going to be fun today. So there's so much like I said, there's so much that can be learned from seeing how someone else who is not in the weeds of a story experiences the story right getting objective feedback. Whether that's from Beta, reader, another writer, a developmental editor, whatever. 24 00:05:05.620 --> 00:05:31.339 Savannah Gilbo: It's so so helpful, because, as we all know, we're often in the weeds of our own story, and we kind of lose that objectivity. So the goal for today is twofold one. Like I said, we're going to provide some specific feedback to those writers. And then, hopefully, everyone else can learn how to improve their own pages as well and hopefully. My, I guess I have 3 goals. My 3rd one is to make you guys feel excited about getting feedback because it doesn't have to be a scary thing. 25 00:05:31.340 --> 00:05:44.679 Savannah Gilbo: So let me know in the chat. Give me a yes, if you feel good about getting feedback, give me a no, if you're like it still feels kind of scary. I just want to, you know, I want to know where everyone's at in terms of how do we feel about getting feedback? Because 26 00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:59.310 Savannah Gilbo: I expect we're gonna be pretty mixed? Some of us are gonna really like it. We thrive off it. Other ones are like, I don't know. It's kind of scary and intimidating, right? So so far, I see some yeses, that's great scary. But good. Yes, okay, great. 27 00:05:59.380 --> 00:06:06.200 Savannah Gilbo: So the other thing I want to kind of say off the top is what we're trying to find right, because there are so many things we can 28 00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:09.960 Savannah Gilbo: poke at or look at when it comes to giving feedback. So 29 00:06:10.160 --> 00:06:11.850 Savannah Gilbo: if we're thinking of 30 00:06:11.890 --> 00:06:41.589 Savannah Gilbo: what's the goal of the 1st 5 pages of any book. Right? It's to hook the readers interest. It's to make them ask questions, to wonder things, to make them want to read further into the story. So it's all about hooking the reader. Whether that reader is just a reader, whether they're an agent, whether they're an editor, whoever that reader is, right. So we're gonna stay a little bit high level. We're gonna you know, I'm a developmental editor. So my feedback is generally developmental, although I will call out other things, I notice. 31 00:06:41.590 --> 00:06:59.219 Savannah Gilbo: But we're gonna look for 5 6 things we're gonna look for. Is it clear what the genre is right. So what kind of story are we reading? We know that we're here for sci-fi week. So you know, part of that is, we want to make sure there's sci-fi elements on these 1st pages. The other thing we want to see is like. 32 00:06:59.550 --> 00:07:13.449 Savannah Gilbo: is this going to be a sci-fi story where there's Life and Death Stakes. Is this going to be a sci-fi story where it's like built around a mystery or a romance, you know, whatever it is. So that's the 1st thing. The other thing is, we want to get a sense of the big picture plot. So 33 00:07:13.700 --> 00:07:36.690 Savannah Gilbo: what is this story really about? Right, like, what is the central conflict? What is the central plot thread? We also want to look at point of view and character. So who is telling the story? Which character should we be the most concerned with? Who are we? Whose head are we dipping into right like? Who's our protagonist? Why do? Why should we care about them? What do they want things like that? 34 00:07:36.700 --> 00:08:00.170 Savannah Gilbo: Then we want to look at. We want to get a sense of the setting. So where and when does the story take place? Are we clear on the when of the setting, too? So when's the story taking place and things like that. And then we also want to think about emotion. So how should readers feel about what's happening in these 1st 5 pages? And does that feel in alignment with what we're trying to do in the overall story. 35 00:08:00.420 --> 00:08:22.120 Savannah Gilbo: So those are kind of when I go into these opening pages, I start there. I'm like, okay, this is the big picture. And then, the big picture of what we're trying to find out. Do these pages deliver on these things? Or do we need to improve them. So I just wanted to kind of share my rubric, or like how I start thinking about this, and then we'll dive into some pages, and I'll explain more about it. So 36 00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:39.730 Savannah Gilbo: let's see, Michelle, we're looking for either, Juliana. We have 2 Jeanettes who are getting feedback. If either one of you are here, I'll start with whoever's here 1st Michael, and then Raven. So if any or any of you are here, put your names in the chat or put a yes in the chat, and we will. We will just dig in 37 00:08:40.556 --> 00:08:54.309 Savannah Gilbo: so let's see, I'm just. I'm looking in the chat. Oh, I am a Jeanette who submitted. Okay, so we have Jeanette and Raven and other Jeanette. Okay, so, Jeanette Smith, you were first.st So I'm gonna start with you your pages. Let's see, let me share these. 38 00:08:55.920 --> 00:09:02.891 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. Hopefully, I might need to make this bigger. But hopefully, you can at least see my screen so far. 39 00:09:03.490 --> 00:09:12.170 Savannah Gilbo: gotta love tech. Okay, can we all see this? Does that all? Are we good? Give me a yes, in the chat, if you can just before we get too far. 40 00:09:12.940 --> 00:09:15.440 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, it looks like we're perfect. Okay? 41 00:09:15.460 --> 00:09:43.390 Savannah Gilbo: So, Jeanette, here's what I did in your pages, what and what I'm going to do for everybody, and I'm going to start a timer. I forgot to say this. I'm going to do 10 min per person, just so we can kind of try to stick within our hour we might go a little over. That's okay. But you will hear a timer go off in 10 min, all right. So, Jeanette, and for everyone, what I did is I just I read through the whole thing 1st before I made notes. Then I went back through and made specific notes, and then at the end, I recapped for everybody 42 00:09:43.820 --> 00:10:08.140 Savannah Gilbo: 3 things that are already working. And then 3 things that could be improved because I think it's really important for us to know. What are we actually doing? Well, right? Yes, we need to improve things. We can all improve things. But there are things that each of us do really well, and we have strengths as our own individual selves. So I really wanted to call those out and help give context for some of my feedback. Okay? 43 00:10:08.140 --> 00:10:21.630 Savannah Gilbo: So I'm gonna summarize this in a very high, level, generic way. Jeanette, don't don't hate me. If I mess anything up. But basically we have Lydia and Hank. There's 2 characters. Lydia is our protagonist, and 44 00:10:21.810 --> 00:10:45.850 Savannah Gilbo: something called 1 0, 4, 1, 4 B, or slash l. 1 is coming, and they're excited, I think about this. So we see them kind of dealing with the news of this thing coming, and then. We also hear that Lydia's boss wants her to make a decision about something else in the workplace. So that's like very high level of what we're about to dig into. 45 00:10:45.890 --> 00:10:48.180 Savannah Gilbo: And let's just 46 00:10:48.320 --> 00:11:08.341 Savannah Gilbo: I think what I'm gonna do actually, is, I'm gonna start down here at the at the general feedback, and then we'll go through the specifics. So, Jeanette, things you did really well. I loved Lydia in these 1st 5 pages. That's her main character. I like that she cares about her job and the people she works with. I think that really came through. And then I think that once you 47 00:11:08.760 --> 00:11:33.809 Savannah Gilbo: once you act on some of these things that could use improvement. It's gonna be like readers are gonna even like her more. So I think you're already doing a really great job with her. So you know, check that box. I think you've also done a really great job making the l 1 or that object that they're waiting for feel really special. So you've made it very clear that the arrival of this thing is like a once in a lifetime thing. 48 00:11:34.072 --> 00:11:42.999 Savannah Gilbo: I have some notes on hopefully we can define what that is to make it a little more clear, a little more exciting. But already you've done a great job making it feel special. 49 00:11:43.440 --> 00:12:06.289 Savannah Gilbo: And then your line by line writing is actually like, really clear to the point. There's not a lot of fluff. There's not a lot of like info dumping, or things that feel extra. So if anything, I said you could add a smidge more details to round things out, which I feel like is feedback. I hardly ever give, because usually, you know, we we all like to put in a lot of stuff, especially when we're world building. So you did really? Well with that. Okay. 50 00:12:06.430 --> 00:12:17.550 Savannah Gilbo: now, the 3 main things I think you can improve. And again, we'll look at examples of this, but I do think it's important for readers to know what this object is, and so we'll look at what I mean by that in the scene. 51 00:12:17.700 --> 00:12:27.939 Savannah Gilbo: But it's not until very late that we learn. It's a black box. And then, even then, we don't really know like, what is the significance of this or what are they hoping to 52 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:49.860 Savannah Gilbo: learn from it to see from it? So we want to give readers details around that. So they can better understand what's happening. Okay? And part of the way you'll do this is by adding some structure and some details into your scene. So what we want is, we want each scene to have a goal for the protagonist. We want conflict that gets in the way of that goal and ideally that escalates. 53 00:12:49.860 --> 00:13:04.198 Savannah Gilbo: And then we want to have them face a tough choice near the end of the scene. So, for example, we will look at this in the pages again. But Lydia's scene goal could have been to pick a pairing. This comes up later. In her scene, which we'll see. 54 00:13:04.480 --> 00:13:33.130 Savannah Gilbo: We also want to give some context around, like, what does a pairing actually mean? And then the conflict that gets in the way of her goal could be the l 1's arrival. So right now you kind of have it flipped where it's all about the l. 1, and then we kind of layer in this stuff about her boss wanting to pick a pairing and then by the end of the tough or the scene, she could face a tough choice about, what is she gonna do to accomplish that goal of picking the pairing, now that the l 1 is here. So it's kind of like using the 55 00:13:33.350 --> 00:13:47.000 Savannah Gilbo: arrival of the l 1 to add conflict, but also to make this decision. Something that's difficult for her, and something that'll show her character and eventually lead to consequences whether that's right now or later. 56 00:13:47.090 --> 00:13:57.300 Savannah Gilbo: And then the other thing I noticed, which we'll dig into more in the actual pages is you want to make sure to define your story specific words, either with like a literal definition 57 00:13:57.300 --> 00:14:22.209 Savannah Gilbo: or with context. So in the beginning, you introduce words like sending, receiving, processing, and we can definitely infer what those are because of real life. But we it's unclear what those are in the the context of your specific story. So what are they sending, receiving and processing. And then what is pairing? Okay? So, like all of these things, the good news is all of these things are easy to address. 58 00:14:22.210 --> 00:14:29.050 Savannah Gilbo: I think. Now, let's go into your actual pages. And, Jeanette, I know you're in the chat. So let me know how you're feeling so far. 59 00:14:29.864 --> 00:14:38.989 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so this is, I'm just gonna kind of do the highlights of. I want to show you where my feedback, the the main things I recapped at the end 60 00:14:39.160 --> 00:14:41.500 Savannah Gilbo: where those come out in the pages. So 61 00:14:41.830 --> 00:14:53.629 Savannah Gilbo: in this opening here, it says, it's 1 0, 4, 1, 4 B. It's about to happen. And so in, you know, as a reader, I'm kind of like, well, what is this like? And I kept reading because I'm like, Okay, maybe I'll get more context. 62 00:14:53.970 --> 00:15:13.069 Savannah Gilbo: And then, you know, here it says they would have about half an hour before it arrived. So sometimes, when I see this, I feel like the intention is to create mystery. But we don't want to drag it out too long where it's like the it becomes this thing of I don't actually know what it is. So I don't know how to care about this 63 00:15:13.140 --> 00:15:20.550 Savannah Gilbo: right? And then later on. So I was reading this more. And I'm like, Okay, it's not just any century that an l. 1 came through. This makes it feel special. 64 00:15:20.660 --> 00:15:30.820 Savannah Gilbo: but I don't know how to feel about this, so I know it's unique. But should I be scared? Should I be worried? Should I be excited? And then? You know, here we you say 65 00:15:31.147 --> 00:15:52.992 Savannah Gilbo: she's trying. Lydia is trying to keep her voice as evenly even as possible, not sure if it would betray either her excitement or her nervousness. So okay, then, I'm like, I know she's excited or nervous, but I still don't really know, like I don't know that I can feel that with her, because I don't know what the l 1 is right. So my suggestion there is just to to give us more context. 66 00:15:53.710 --> 00:16:09.409 Savannah Gilbo: like, I think it's it's gonna draw readers into your story more, knowing what that is. Then like the opposite side of that would be to to hold things back, thinking that you're gonna you know, breadcrumb them along. I think it'll have a better effect if you just give us the information 67 00:16:09.920 --> 00:16:20.320 Savannah Gilbo: all right. And then there's some like little things I'm going to skip. You can see things in here where I'm I'll I always put notes of like, oh, my gosh! I love this, or your history is so cool, so you'll get a copy of all this. 68 00:16:20.580 --> 00:16:23.949 Savannah Gilbo: But let me just see some high level stuff. 69 00:16:24.386 --> 00:16:33.880 Savannah Gilbo: And if you see me, I when I highlight things in yellow. It's because, there are similar words close to each other. It's not a big deal, but I know some writers like that called out. 70 00:16:34.351 --> 00:16:41.380 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so here's another kind of instance of where you could be a little more clear. Right? So I heard about 1 0, 4, 1, 71 00:16:41.480 --> 00:16:58.520 Savannah Gilbo: 1 0, 4, 1 4 b. This sending has taken top priority. We can't have this ready if you don't pick a pairing. So here I was just kinda like, what is this like, give me more information so that I can be immersed in the story and feel what I'm supposed to feel with Lydia. Okay. 72 00:16:59.530 --> 00:17:01.569 Savannah Gilbo: and then. So here. 73 00:17:01.990 --> 00:17:29.869 Savannah Gilbo: okay, this is the 1st introduction of the word pairing. And up up until this point I was totally okay with not knowing exactly what sending and receiving and processing was in this world. But then, when I got to pairing, I started feeling like as a reader, this is one too many things. I don't know what it, what it is right? So what you could do, because I think your instinct is really good here. Before you get to this point, maybe help us define something else, so that it's almost like for every new 74 00:17:29.870 --> 00:17:50.230 Savannah Gilbo: phrase or word you introduce. You're giving us the answer or the context of something else. So just you know, Beta, readers can help point out these things. I know it's hard to see in our own story. But I thought that if I had, you know, if I knew what the sending was, or if I knew what the l. 1 was, maybe I wouldn't have felt so out of the loop at this point. 75 00:17:50.565 --> 00:17:54.144 Savannah Gilbo: So you can read through my notes on that. And then, 76 00:17:55.110 --> 00:17:56.220 Savannah Gilbo: yeah. So the 77 00:17:56.620 --> 00:18:00.379 Savannah Gilbo: I said before this point in my note, I'd love to know what's at stake 78 00:18:00.550 --> 00:18:22.540 Savannah Gilbo: and like cause I understand the l. 1's a big deal, even though I don't know what it is. But what if I'm Lydia? What am I worried about? So what happens if the receiving of the l 1 goes wrong, or what happens if it goes right like, what am I? What am I excited and nervous about? Specifically, I think getting that into the scene will help readers just relate to her, and be fully immersed in what's going on. 79 00:18:23.874 --> 00:18:34.440 Savannah Gilbo: And then I thought you did well with like tracking the time. So she had in the beginning of the scene. She had about 30 min, and then, you know, the clock was ticking down and down and down, so I thought that was really well done. 80 00:18:34.748 --> 00:18:47.149 Savannah Gilbo: And then there are some things, and just a few things, I said. You know I don't know if you need this right in the 1st scene, just because it's such prime real estate. But if you keep it, it's not a big deal. So I put that in my notes here. 81 00:18:47.862 --> 00:18:49.670 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. 82 00:18:50.510 --> 00:18:58.780 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, a few things in this setting. Like I wasn't sure. Let's see, for example, I think it's here. 83 00:18:58.900 --> 00:19:14.249 Savannah Gilbo: So the gentle light appeared as smoke, crafting wild patterns, both planned and spontaneous. So that's really cool. It's a cool thing to imagine, but I don't know where the lights coming from so just a few little things like that to just clarify and and like, I said, immerse us more in the scene. 84 00:19:14.986 --> 00:19:16.240 Savannah Gilbo: And then 85 00:19:16.330 --> 00:19:17.540 Savannah Gilbo: here. 86 00:19:18.057 --> 00:19:37.830 Savannah Gilbo: So you said. Lydia's body grew warmer and her thoughts bubbled into an outward giggle. So I said, What thoughts like can we see them on the page. I want to know what's making her giggle, because I want to feel close to her as a reader. Right? We want them to be the characters to be our avatar for experiencing the story. So we want to let us into their head. More right? 87 00:19:38.214 --> 00:19:40.679 Savannah Gilbo: Let me just make sure my timer goes off. 88 00:19:41.140 --> 00:19:58.550 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. So then here and I apologize. If I'm going fast, I just wanna make sure we get the most bang for everyone's buck today. Alright. So the simple box had now taken on a pulsing, fiery aura. So here I was like, Okay, I get it. The l. 1's a box like that's great. I have something to imagine. But 89 00:19:58.550 --> 00:20:14.289 Savannah Gilbo: you know I still don't really know much about it. So like, what is this box doing? Where did it come from? Is it sentient like? Is it coming here on its own? Was it sent by somebody? Are they trying to recover things like I just don't know enough about it, and I want to. So that's, you know, a really cool 90 00:20:14.688 --> 00:20:21.789 Savannah Gilbo: a really cool feeling, and also something that tells me like put the information in, because readers are, gonna have that same feeling 91 00:20:22.230 --> 00:20:25.279 Savannah Gilbo: alright. And then let's see. 92 00:20:25.520 --> 00:20:47.029 Savannah Gilbo: So here you have a little break. And I said, you have 2 choices, so either you can. You can have a break here. If you do, you'll want to make sure each scene has that structure of essentially goal conflict and tough decision, or if you choose not to break it, I think that's okay, too. But we'll just want to make sure the structure goes throughout both of these parts. 93 00:20:47.320 --> 00:20:51.117 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so you can read more about that later. And then I liked 94 00:20:51.530 --> 00:21:04.349 Savannah Gilbo: I really liked how in the beginning she's kind of like I don't know. But if the stories about L ones are true, and then here it's almost like the feeling of seeing the l. 1 had a really profound effect on her. So I thought that was really cool. 95 00:21:05.066 --> 00:21:07.370 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. 96 00:21:08.200 --> 00:21:13.273 Savannah Gilbo: So she's at the end. Here we leave her, and she's waiting to see what are the results that 97 00:21:13.620 --> 00:21:29.080 Savannah Gilbo: Hank is going to come back with after they've analyzed this l. 1, and she gives a hopeful smile and turns to the printer, or turn from the printer to the clipboard still in her hand. So here I'm just kind of like. Well, why is she hopeful like? I want to be hopeful with her. So what is she hoping to see? 98 00:21:29.100 --> 00:21:54.260 Savannah Gilbo: And then you know, here you kind of brought us back to the the difference and the uniqueness of an l. 1. But I was, my comment was, is it just because they're rare? Or is there another reason why an l. 1's different and like meaningful to her right so, and then also at the end. Here I was like, well, this one's leaving her with cold apprehension. I don't really know why I want to know why I want to feel the same thing she does. 99 00:21:54.620 --> 00:22:03.549 Savannah Gilbo: So yeah, again, you can read through all these notes. I went through them very fast, but overall, I think this is a great place to start, and I'm very excited to see 100 00:22:03.570 --> 00:22:05.850 Savannah Gilbo: some of the changes you make. So, Jeanette. 101 00:22:05.980 --> 00:22:11.859 Savannah Gilbo: I think Michelle was going to unmute you if you had questions or wanted to chat about anything. 102 00:22:12.870 --> 00:22:13.850 Savannah Gilbo: Let's see. 103 00:22:16.300 --> 00:22:17.730 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Jeanette, are you there? 104 00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:21.539 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: You are unmuted. Are you able to speak with your microphone? 105 00:22:21.690 --> 00:22:24.708 Jeanette Smith: Yeah, yeah, am I? Is it working? 106 00:22:25.140 --> 00:22:26.550 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah, we hear? You. 107 00:22:26.550 --> 00:22:31.210 Jeanette Smith: Perfect. Yeah, no, that was amazing. That was so helpful in terms of just. 108 00:22:31.210 --> 00:22:31.990 Savannah Gilbo: Good. 109 00:22:31.990 --> 00:22:35.980 Jeanette Smith: Sales that you put in your head that don't make it on the page that was. 110 00:22:35.980 --> 00:22:36.750 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah. 111 00:22:37.190 --> 00:22:50.430 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah. And that's like something we all call the writer's burden of knowledge. Right? It's like, we create these things. We see them, we feel them. But it's hard to translate that onto the page every every page we write right? So that's why we need outside feedback. But 112 00:22:50.540 --> 00:22:52.940 Savannah Gilbo: yeah, overall, I thought you did a great job, Jeanette. 113 00:22:53.420 --> 00:22:55.179 Jeanette Smith: Thank you. Thank you so much. 114 00:22:55.180 --> 00:22:57.129 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah. Any other questions. 115 00:22:58.300 --> 00:23:02.774 Jeanette Smith: No, I'm curious to dig into these comments more. I was trying to get them as they scrolled by. 116 00:23:03.010 --> 00:23:07.740 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah, we'll send it to you. So don't worry about. I know I'm going really fast, but we will send them to you for sure. 117 00:23:07.740 --> 00:23:09.280 Jeanette Smith: Amazing. Thank you. 118 00:23:09.280 --> 00:23:10.370 Savannah Gilbo: You're welcome. 119 00:23:10.570 --> 00:23:17.090 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So let's see, Raven, we had next, let's see. So let me go to Raven's pages. 120 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:19.870 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so, Raven, let me make this 121 00:23:20.110 --> 00:23:21.280 Savannah Gilbo: bigger. 122 00:23:21.680 --> 00:23:26.439 Savannah Gilbo: Raven. I did have some questions for you that maybe you can answer in the chat so they can. 123 00:23:26.840 --> 00:23:39.359 Savannah Gilbo: give me context for what I'm about to say. So this beginning part, I was wondering, are it was this meant to be a prologue, this part where it's kind of the history of the world and the history of some. You know 124 00:23:39.680 --> 00:23:53.330 Savannah Gilbo: of the people that exist in the world, things like that. And the reason I'm asking is because well, actually, I'm kind of just getting into it. I'll do a summary in a second. But I just wanna make get it. Get some context for this. So there, yeah, it was a prologue. Okay. 125 00:23:53.390 --> 00:24:20.769 Savannah Gilbo: so with prologues. I see this all the time. So it's it's we have this urge to kind of just put a bunch of history and information and backstory. And it's because we want the readers to know what they need to know, to read the story right? So it's a good intention. And you know, we hear all this mixed stuff about prologues. Some people say, like you really shouldn't do them. Other people love them, and it's confusing. But what I would say for you, Raven, is 126 00:24:20.900 --> 00:24:41.830 Savannah Gilbo: your information here is really interesting, but I think it could come across better if we were grounded in a character's head. So right now it kind of reads as like all this stuff happened. No one knew that this was, you know, the start of the war things like that. It's all very interesting, but I think it could. We could be pulled in more 127 00:24:42.030 --> 00:24:57.040 Savannah Gilbo: if we were in someone's head like, imagine somebody who was alive during the 1st attack, or someone who you know, was there, maybe even a bad guy who knows? Right? So just something to think about, you can also think about. And for anyone writing a prologue 128 00:24:57.330 --> 00:25:14.179 Savannah Gilbo: try. It's it's worth an exercise to just take the prologue off and say, What does it feel like when I read it? Is there a way to start the story with the actual start and then weave in this context later. Because, you know, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. So just some thoughts 129 00:25:14.499 --> 00:25:18.209 Savannah Gilbo: overall. And then let me do what I did for Jeanette. So 130 00:25:18.790 --> 00:25:26.769 Savannah Gilbo: I'm going to give, probably a very generic summary. But essentially we have some history here. 131 00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:52.459 Savannah Gilbo: and then we have. We kind of zoom into some characters. So one of them is sunflare, and he's got some really cool powers which we'll see. And then the other one who's kind of with him in the scene is Bellatrix, and we will see she has some some great descriptions and some cool powers as well and essentially sunflare is fighting a monster that's threatening where everyone lives. 132 00:25:52.550 --> 00:26:02.689 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. So that's I know, very high level, very generic summary. Hope you'll forgive me, Raven, if I mess anything up. But I like to give context for what we're actually going to look at. So 133 00:26:02.810 --> 00:26:07.670 Savannah Gilbo: for you, Raven. This is, I did 3 things of what's working, and 3 things that we could improve. 134 00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:14.600 Savannah Gilbo: So in your message to pro writing aid, you were like, I'm going for this anime vibe. 135 00:26:14.630 --> 00:26:21.400 Savannah Gilbo: I think you nailed that in what you're doing, so you're hitting the nail on the head. There, that's great. It's working. 136 00:26:21.620 --> 00:26:45.809 Savannah Gilbo: I also really loved the ban. The banter between Sunfire and Bellatrix. And as a reader I had like so many questions about them, like, What is their relationship? What's their dynamic? What's their history. So I I would read on to find that out. So you made me really curious about that. And then I also kept thinking like, Gosh, you must have an amazing imagination. And if you can hone some of these craft elements that I'm going to talk about in a second. 137 00:26:46.142 --> 00:26:54.909 Savannah Gilbo: I think you're gonna produce a pretty great story, because the imagination, like I can tell you, have no shortage of ideas. So that's all really great. It's all working. 138 00:26:55.010 --> 00:27:16.429 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. Now, 3 things you can improve. These are like the high level takeaways is, if I was your coach or editor, I would tell you to focus. Here is we have some instances of head hopping or inconsistent point of view. So again, this is really easy for many writers to do. I see tons of drafts that have this. And it's just because, you know, we're going at it. We're in the story. And it just happens 139 00:27:16.430 --> 00:27:25.969 Savannah Gilbo: so what this means, and I'll show you an example in case listeners maybe don't know what head hopping is. It's when we jump from the perspective of one character into another character. 140 00:27:25.970 --> 00:27:33.389 Savannah Gilbo: And in theory we can do this if we have an omniscient narrator who's like the godlike narrator sitting above the story. 141 00:27:33.390 --> 00:27:52.889 Savannah Gilbo: But I don't think that's what you're going for and correct me if I'm wrong. Raven. So I do recommend kind of getting us into a character's perspective, both in the prologue and both in this opening chapter, and I'll show you that in a second grounding us in their perspective, showing us their interiority. So 142 00:27:53.100 --> 00:28:05.309 Savannah Gilbo: if it is sunfire, you know. How's he thinking about what's happening around him? How is he feeling about certain things? And you've done this in certain places which I called out, I said, these are good examples of interiority. Do more of this. 143 00:28:05.577 --> 00:28:07.710 Savannah Gilbo: So we'll look at that more in a second. 144 00:28:07.770 --> 00:28:25.769 Savannah Gilbo: And then I mentioned the prologue already, so I gave you some options there and then. The other thing I was unclear about is the the big picture stakes, or sorry I'm clear about the big picture stakes. So if Sunfire doesn't defeat the monster, it seems like many people will die, and the city's in jeopardy and things like that. 145 00:28:25.960 --> 00:28:55.259 Savannah Gilbo: But what I wanted to know more about was, what does Sunfire stand to lose or gain personally so like? Why does he feel? Why does he love his job. Why does he care so much about belt getting Bellatrix's approval, and or doing a good job defeating the monster. So I think overall, if I'm looking at the theme of the 3 things to improve, I just want to feel closer to your protagonist, and I want to feel like I understand. And I'm like inside their head as I read, okay, so 146 00:28:55.400 --> 00:29:00.390 Savannah Gilbo: let's scroll up and we'll look at examples to kind of bring this feedback to life. 147 00:29:00.570 --> 00:29:16.840 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. So like, I said, I went through in the prologue. You'll see a lot of notes that are like this like, oh, I love her in her description, because the information is really cool again, I just think it could be delivered in a way that engages us more and brings us more into the story. 148 00:29:16.920 --> 00:29:19.230 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? So 149 00:29:19.660 --> 00:29:38.650 Savannah Gilbo: let's see. So here, I said, I love how you described the setting I can totally imagine. I think you did a great job with your settings. But I wasn't sure like, whose head am I in? Who's the character I'm tracking right? Because it says the neon lights from the signs flashing to create an intense, jolly atmosphere amongst the citizens. 150 00:29:38.650 --> 00:29:52.710 Savannah Gilbo: The streets of Shibuya were bustling with hover cars, buses, and AI wandering around the city everything felt peaceful and mundane. So my question was like, Well, who does it feel peaceful and mundane to? Or is this an omniscient narrator telling me this 151 00:29:53.238 --> 00:30:10.250 Savannah Gilbo: and then alarms Blair right? And then down here. It says, the people immediately went to the destination. So we're still kind of in this removed perspective until here. Right? So then we meet our protagonist who goes by the code name sunflare. 152 00:30:10.490 --> 00:30:14.770 Savannah Gilbo: and we get some description and things like that. So 153 00:30:14.800 --> 00:30:25.760 Savannah Gilbo: I would just ground us in his head as quick as you possibly can, unless you are trying to have an omniscient narrator. And please let me know if you are, because it'll affect some of my future comments. 154 00:30:26.119 --> 00:30:35.910 Savannah Gilbo: But if you're writing in 3rd person, limited or 3rd person, not omniscient, we want to be in his perspective, grounded in his perspective as soon as possible. 155 00:30:36.110 --> 00:30:53.330 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? And then I said quite a few times that I love the vibe of his interaction with other people specifically Bellatrix. Here, I think it definitely, you have that vibe you're going for with the anime within the setting and the interactions and things. So that was pretty cool. 156 00:30:53.761 --> 00:31:01.710 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. So we get some description of Bellatrix and all your characters had really cool descriptions. I really enjoyed reading that. 157 00:31:01.960 --> 00:31:04.419 Savannah Gilbo: And then, okay, so here. 158 00:31:04.730 --> 00:31:15.509 Savannah Gilbo: I wanted to call out some examples of what interiority looks like, so that you can do it more because you did have it in some places. So let me just read this to you. It says. A sly smile forms on her lips. 159 00:31:15.530 --> 00:31:34.370 Savannah Gilbo: waving a dismissive hand towards the other 2. Sunflare chuckled, already stretching and raring to go on his mission. So this shows us his intention right? So whether we're in an omniscient narrator's head or in Sunfire's head. We're getting a glimpse into his intention, and what he's focused on, and things like that 160 00:31:34.370 --> 00:31:56.400 Savannah Gilbo: that glimpse into his head is what's going to make readers connect with him and feel close to him and feel immersed in your story. So this is something you'll want to do more of. That'll achieve that effect of, you know. Like, I said, bringing us closer to sunfire, which is a kind of if you were to summarize all of my, my 3 things that could be improved. That's what they're asking for. 161 00:31:56.540 --> 00:32:07.929 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? And then so here, like I said, we're in sunfire's head whether that's omnisciently or not. And then down here, it says, people waiting patiently for the threat to pass 162 00:32:08.349 --> 00:32:22.880 Savannah Gilbo: and they could see the blur of his uniform. So here it's kind of like we've either gone back into an omniscient narrator or we're head hopping, because now we're we're putting the lens on what the people are paying attention to and what they're seeing, what they're noticing things like that. 163 00:32:23.210 --> 00:32:24.100 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? 164 00:32:24.200 --> 00:32:37.330 Savannah Gilbo: And then here, I said, you know, it goes. Once he arrived at the scene he heard a gurgling sound. So here I'm like, are we back in Sunfire's head? Because I the attention right? We're seeing where his attention is going, so it just feels a little head, Hoppy. 165 00:32:37.741 --> 00:33:00.779 Savannah Gilbo: And then I loved this part. So you were very clear about what his plan is, he wants to defeat the monster. His plan is to gain the element of surprise before the creature could sense him coming, and I said, as a reader. I can use this information to help me figure out what's actual conflict, what might be helping him right? So it's it helps me feel immersed when things are clear. 166 00:33:01.720 --> 00:33:15.769 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? And then, yeah, I I loved I loved imagining some of the things. So like the explosion happens, the creatures making this shriek. That's so loud it causes a minor earthquake that was really fun. And then 167 00:33:16.130 --> 00:33:37.580 Savannah Gilbo: I had a question about that. So, depending on what you're doing in your story? I was questioning. Is it a little too easy for him to defeat the monster like? Should he face a little bit more conflict? Or is the point to show that he's like, really, really good at what he does. So just something to think about, because I wasn't sure. You know how to, how to take that, how to read that. 168 00:33:37.760 --> 00:34:06.870 Savannah Gilbo: and then let's see so I liked this part a lot because it says sunflower or sunflare gave a sheepish smile. Getting complimented by Bellatrix was an accomplishment, even if they didn't always meet eye to eye. It was time for him to relax. Now it was time for him to head home after all. His biggest fan was waiting for him back at home. So I just liked seeing into what he's thinking what he's feeling, how he's processing things again, because it makes me feel closer to him and more immersed. 169 00:34:06.870 --> 00:34:14.659 Savannah Gilbo: So and I I cut this off. There was a few more pages, but I just wanted to respect the 5 page limit. So just a heads up 170 00:34:15.096 --> 00:34:24.849 Savannah Gilbo: but overall, Raven like I'm I'm I would want to read more about this. I think it's a very interesting you know, way to do a story. I love that it feels Anime. 171 00:34:24.949 --> 00:34:28.159 Savannah Gilbo: Do you have questions for me? Is there anything you want me to clarify? 172 00:34:32.070 --> 00:34:35.380 Savannah Gilbo: There you are! I see you coming coming up here. There you are. 173 00:34:35.639 --> 00:34:38.795 Briana Martin: Okay. So my, I'm on my phone. So 174 00:34:39.309 --> 00:34:47.729 Briana Martin: body just to clarify the story is actually about his younger sister like it didn't get that far because it was a page limit. 175 00:34:48.219 --> 00:34:48.869 Savannah Gilbo: We know. 176 00:34:48.870 --> 00:35:02.500 Briana Martin: Was like, kind of like the intermission narration. But just to give a back story and give that a bonded connection between her and her brother to show what led to her path, and what got led to her journey, because she want to find a truth. 177 00:35:03.245 --> 00:35:07.060 Briana Martin: Regarding circumstances that happens to her brother. 178 00:35:07.310 --> 00:35:18.019 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, that's interesting. So in that case I would love to see you get us in her head as soon as possible, and it could even be her watching him do this right. 179 00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:19.140 Briana Martin: Okay. 180 00:35:19.270 --> 00:35:29.079 Briana Martin: no, yeah, that is really helpful. I'm actually kind of excited to start this book, because I've been kind of like, should I get started. And you know, most people I know, it's gonna encourage me to write it. 181 00:35:29.410 --> 00:35:30.170 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah. 182 00:35:30.350 --> 00:35:38.310 Briana Martin: So this feel like a helping. It got me excited. And I'm like super psyched to actually work on it. Take your feedback, and, you know, work more. 183 00:35:38.670 --> 00:36:07.150 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah. And I think, like, you know, for a lot of us, we have the you have the imagination piece on lock. So don't even worry about that, I can tell. You. See what's actually happening like you see it so clear in your head. And now it's just how are you going to use the craft tools to express it in the best way possible, and I think you know what I what I like seeing is when there's a theme to the things that you can improve, and these are all about like help. Us feel grounded in your character. So once you do that, I think you're going to be off to the races. 184 00:36:07.550 --> 00:36:09.190 Briana Martin: Okay, thank you so much. 185 00:36:09.190 --> 00:36:10.100 Savannah Gilbo: You're welcome. 186 00:36:10.580 --> 00:36:23.079 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, let's see. So the next person I saw that was here, I think, was Jeanette Dover. And then, after Jeanette, we have. We'll see if Michael wants to get in line, or Julie Ann. 187 00:36:23.500 --> 00:36:26.210 Savannah Gilbo: Let me just make sure I didn't see them already. 188 00:36:26.770 --> 00:36:33.440 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so Michael and Julianne. If you want to get in line after Jeanette Dover, we'll go to Jeanette's next. 189 00:36:34.215 --> 00:36:38.150 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, let me just make sure I'm picking the right one. Let me make this bigger. 190 00:36:39.098 --> 00:36:49.249 Savannah Gilbo: And these all these stories were so fun to read. Sometimes I I've been judges for other contests and things like this. Sometimes, when it's a genre specific thing. 191 00:36:49.260 --> 00:37:00.289 Savannah Gilbo: they all kind of will have similar flavors or things like that. And that was not my experience reading these. So it was really fun for me to just see so many different things come through. I thought it was so cool. 192 00:37:00.390 --> 00:37:09.509 Savannah Gilbo: alright, so Jeanette, let me set your timer here, and the timers really to keep me on track, because I could obviously nerd out about all this forever. 193 00:37:10.180 --> 00:37:15.861 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So this your story was really fun, or your scene was really fun. 194 00:37:16.370 --> 00:37:40.169 Savannah Gilbo: I'm gonna give a very generic overview. I hope you guys are not like. Well, maybe I hope you are laughing when I give you these generic overviews, because I'm making it the most simplistic version of your story possible. But basically, what happens is Anju. I hope I'm saying that right is our protagonist, and she's and I'm there's gender questions here. So I'm I'm using she because she 195 00:37:40.170 --> 00:37:58.570 Savannah Gilbo: Anjou uses she to describe herself. So correct me if I'm wrong there. But Anjou is going to this test, and the test is supposed to show her. Basically, what gender is going to be the gender that she's assigned going forward. So she has a hope that she will be assigned female. 196 00:37:58.893 --> 00:38:06.729 Savannah Gilbo: And she's she's just curious. She's like, what is this going to show me? I hope I get the result I want, and then things 197 00:38:06.810 --> 00:38:12.789 Savannah Gilbo: don't go according to plan. So that's kind of the gist of what we're going to look at, and then let me go to the 198 00:38:13.482 --> 00:38:15.690 Savannah Gilbo: the recap here. So 199 00:38:15.930 --> 00:38:22.430 Savannah Gilbo: I said. What I liked about this was, it's I loved the idea of it. I thought like, I can imagine a story growing out of this. 200 00:38:22.580 --> 00:38:51.030 Savannah Gilbo: and I loved where you chose to start the opening. So this is the day that things really start to change for her right? So your instinct of where to start. The story was great. I thought you act. You did a great job, an excellent job of setting up Anju's goal. So she wants to pass the test, and she wants to pass it with a female outcome. So that's very clear. That helps me feel grounded in what I'm supposed to be paying attention to makes the scene easy to follow. So great job there. 201 00:38:51.357 --> 00:39:11.049 Savannah Gilbo: And then I also thought you did a great job, because there are gender neutral characters. There are, you know, different pronouns than maybe other writers would use. It wasn't confusing the way that you wrote it. So you did a nice job with that, and I know that can be hard for people who are using gender neutral pronouns and things like that so good job on that. 202 00:39:11.890 --> 00:39:17.930 Savannah Gilbo: and then the 3 things to improve. So this is what will frame what we pay attention to in the feedback above. 203 00:39:18.224 --> 00:39:43.520 Savannah Gilbo: Is that in each scene. We want to see a character making a tough choice so ideally that then there's many reasons for this. Ideally, the choice they make is going to come with future consequences, whether that's like 1 min in the future, or 2 days in the future, whatever for them to deal with. So we want to find some kind of choice for Anjou to face in this scene, and I'll maybe interject some ideas. Once we go up into the pages. 204 00:39:43.780 --> 00:40:08.819 Savannah Gilbo: The other thing I noticed was the conflict could escalate a little differently to make it more impactful. So, for example, we will see Anju take the test twice. We see her take the test once. It doesn't work the way she thought. And then we see her take the test again. So it when I see that I'm like, Okay, well, what would it look like if she only took the test once? Because we don't want to show the reader the same thing, even though I know that 205 00:40:08.850 --> 00:40:29.240 Savannah Gilbo: it's slightly different, right? Because different things are happening. So I thought, you know, what if you just dropped us right into the scene where the 1st words are something like, we're gonna need to test you again or like the test didn't work. And then it from that one sentence, we we get a lot of context, then you can weave in some of the things about how she felt about the 1st test and things like that. 206 00:40:29.990 --> 00:40:52.951 Savannah Gilbo: We'll look at more examples. And then the 3rd thing I had here was that the stakes are a little unclear, so I know she wants to be assigned female. That was very clear. But what happens if she fails the test cause? That's kind of. By the end we get to the point where she's saying she failed. What happens if she doesn't see clear images or one clear gender in the test? Right? So 207 00:40:53.370 --> 00:41:12.360 Savannah Gilbo: we can imagine, like how she feels when these things happen, because she wants female, she sees male images and things like that. But like, what's the bigger picture? What's gonna happen if she goes home and tells her family that she failed. What happens if she tells her best friend that she failed like, I just want to know more about the bigger stakes. 208 00:41:12.600 --> 00:41:17.279 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? So that's kind of what we're looking at. And then let's go up here. 209 00:41:17.710 --> 00:41:20.950 Savannah Gilbo: and we'll just kind of dig into this. So 210 00:41:21.645 --> 00:41:39.550 Savannah Gilbo: I liked how you described your protagonist and all the characters, because you just dripped in little things to let us know they're different. So I thought this was cool. It says sweat slides between the scales on the back of my neck like you didn't put a lot of description in, but I'm already like what is that like? That's cool, different protagonist. So good job on that 211 00:41:40.181 --> 00:41:57.989 Savannah Gilbo: and then I had some notes here about. You know, you could keep stuff like this here, or you could move it further into the scene just because the 1st page is such prime real estate. So we always want to go with, like what is absolutely necessary to have on this 1st page, and everything else can can come later. 212 00:41:58.586 --> 00:42:16.929 Savannah Gilbo: So you can read that. And then this part kind of speaks to what I said earlier about like, what's what's the bigger thing at stake. So you said today because of the laws set by the Council. A computer will decide my sex. The rules keep our islands safe, and I'm bound to follow them without question. 213 00:42:17.100 --> 00:42:23.889 Savannah Gilbo: So here I was kind of wondering, Well, what? What do the rules have to do with her gender or like? Why? 214 00:42:24.280 --> 00:42:42.659 Savannah Gilbo: Why is it so important to the rules, to the government to assign her a gender. I can imagine why it's important for her, but you know, what's the bigger thing, what what are they being kept safe from? And how does how does that relate to her having a specific gender? If that makes sense? 215 00:42:43.404 --> 00:42:50.720 Savannah Gilbo: And I love how clear she was about! She wants to be assigned female. She's very clear about that. 216 00:42:50.940 --> 00:42:53.460 Savannah Gilbo: That helps me, as a reader, understand 217 00:42:53.500 --> 00:42:56.599 Savannah Gilbo: what's conflict and what isn't conflict coming up? 218 00:42:57.346 --> 00:43:00.643 Savannah Gilbo: And then here I was just had some questions. 219 00:43:01.020 --> 00:43:14.720 Savannah Gilbo: kind of because of what comes later. But you said steps echo behind me. Deru appears, her face inches from mine. So this reads a little neutral. I wasn't sure if she was expecting Deru to be the one that administers the test. 220 00:43:14.740 --> 00:43:23.959 Savannah Gilbo: or if she wasn't. And right now, it seems like she's not surprised by Deru being there. So if that's what you're going for, then just leave it. But just in case I wanted to bring it up. 221 00:43:24.526 --> 00:43:31.709 Savannah Gilbo: And then I thought, you know, this was fun. Her appearance is as dull as the history classes. She teaches in school just a fun way to 222 00:43:32.050 --> 00:43:34.610 Savannah Gilbo: you know. Give us some color about Deru. 223 00:43:34.700 --> 00:43:50.300 Savannah Gilbo: And then there were some details in here that were just fun. Let us know who Andrew is. A little more so. Deru puts the helmet on. She crushes the main. I took half an hour longer than usual to style so just little things like that are very cute, and they they help us get to know Anju more, which is great. 224 00:43:51.199 --> 00:44:13.269 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. So this part her upbeat attitude might be why the Council chose her to give the test. But it isn't working for me. So this, as a reader I picked up on this, and I said, Okay, the author is telling she's hinting at something here. I think so. Her upbeat attitude might be why the Council chose her to give the test. 225 00:44:13.310 --> 00:44:14.350 Savannah Gilbo: So 226 00:44:14.380 --> 00:44:26.390 Savannah Gilbo: I put in my note here. It seems like you're bringing this up or calling it out for a reason. As a reader, I'm going to think this might be important later. So if it is, that's great, if it's not, you might want to take it out 227 00:44:26.640 --> 00:44:39.550 Savannah Gilbo: and kind of delete any mention of the Council choosing her because otherwise it might. You know it. Just kind of leaves that door open. And then readers are like, did that matter, did that not matter. So again, not a huge deal, just something to think about. 228 00:44:39.820 --> 00:44:41.810 Savannah Gilbo: And then there is. So 229 00:44:41.950 --> 00:44:48.910 Savannah Gilbo: there was a lot of a lot of instances that were, I totally understood what was happening. And then there were some like this where I'm like. 230 00:44:48.930 --> 00:44:56.180 Savannah Gilbo: okay. She tightens a band on my forehead, shoving the back of my skull into the headrest my heart races, knowing I can't turn my head. 231 00:44:56.200 --> 00:44:58.110 Savannah Gilbo: So my question here is 232 00:44:58.170 --> 00:45:03.130 Savannah Gilbo: trying to help you get more specific on what makes her heart race? Is it 233 00:45:03.480 --> 00:45:18.080 Savannah Gilbo: is it because the band tightens on her forehead and she can't turn her head like if she have a specific fear about that, or is it just the general discomfort? Right? Because, as this reads it says, my heart races, knowing I can't turn my head. 234 00:45:18.360 --> 00:45:25.679 Savannah Gilbo: so am I supposed to interpret this as she has, like claustrophobia, or she has some wound with not being able to move her head in the past. 235 00:45:25.720 --> 00:45:27.549 Savannah Gilbo: you know, things like that. 236 00:45:28.390 --> 00:45:52.647 Savannah Gilbo: And then here, because she's reacting to the test like she doesn't really know what's involved. So I just wanted to make sure. That's what you intended. So my question was, does she not know what to expect? Or has she been taught about it like it's unclear whether she knows what's gonna happen or not. So just make that a little more clear. I think that'll be good. And then 237 00:45:53.060 --> 00:46:04.729 Savannah Gilbo: I like that you put in reminders about what the point is of this. So my palms sweat, and I pray the test sees who I really am. Right. You're reminding readers. This is what we need to be paying attention to. 238 00:46:05.610 --> 00:46:06.630 Savannah Gilbo: And then. 239 00:46:06.960 --> 00:46:21.629 Savannah Gilbo: when the tests happened, I was unclear about what her expectations were, and it kind of goes back to this question of has she been taught what to expect? Because if she has, I think that's good information to know. So she could be a character. Who's like 240 00:46:21.650 --> 00:46:24.960 Savannah Gilbo: you're. It's it's fine. I don't love being, you know. 241 00:46:25.030 --> 00:46:31.200 Savannah Gilbo: tightened into this chair. But all I need to do is just see what images come up, and you know whatever whatever. 242 00:46:31.210 --> 00:46:39.069 Savannah Gilbo: because that kind of setup would then help us understand that blurred images are are not what she's expecting to see 243 00:46:39.110 --> 00:46:40.140 Savannah Gilbo: or 244 00:46:40.280 --> 00:46:44.959 Savannah Gilbo: let's go the flip side. And let's say that like no one talks about what happens during the test. 245 00:46:45.130 --> 00:47:03.190 Savannah Gilbo: then it's going to color her experience differently. Because how will she know what's right and what's wrong, right or what's expected? What's not expected. So just I think we need to set up her expectations of what's going to happen a little bit better to help give context to everything that happens during the test. 246 00:47:03.550 --> 00:47:05.840 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? So then here. 247 00:47:06.160 --> 00:47:18.189 Savannah Gilbo: we? She has blurred shapes. Darrow said. I'm seeing images. So here I was kind of wondering like, when did Darre say this? Because I'm assuming we're dropping in on her like right when she's sitting in the chair. 248 00:47:18.572 --> 00:47:36.729 Savannah Gilbo: She's willing pictures to appear of her that show that she's going to be assigned female. Then she's thinking something's wrong. So you know, I just wasn't quite sure. Why does she know this? Is it because she expected crystal clear images. Is it because she expected to only see female images? So I just wasn't clear on that 249 00:47:38.330 --> 00:47:39.760 Savannah Gilbo: And then 250 00:47:40.260 --> 00:47:49.820 Savannah Gilbo: kind of on a similar note? So here. It says, my head pounds harder, and my stomach flips as nausea rides, rises in my throat. Make it stop. So. 251 00:47:50.160 --> 00:48:12.950 Savannah Gilbo: My question was, what is specifically bothering her. Is it just the nausea, or is it? You know? Is there some context we might want to add in here my head pounds harder and my stomach flips as nausea rises in my throat. It wasn't supposed to be this hard I you know I I was supposed to just see images of female situations, and that was it. Make it stop. 252 00:48:12.950 --> 00:48:29.520 Savannah Gilbo: you know. So it's kind of like what whatever that last piece of the sentences is, what I think readers will connect, make it stop to like as the peak thing that puts her over the edge and makes her vomit and pass out. So just something to think about there again. Not a huge deal, but, you know, just to tighten it up. 253 00:48:30.308 --> 00:48:57.060 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. So here you have a break because she's unconscious. And so I just said, you know, you could consider keeping her conscious unless it's important for her to be unconscious like later on in the story. Because the break and the unconsciousness breaks the flow of the scene just a little bit. So something to keep in mind. And then what happens here is this character. Barrett is there when she wakes up, and he's a family friend. So 254 00:48:57.250 --> 00:48:59.650 Savannah Gilbo: I had some questions in here which was like 255 00:49:00.050 --> 00:49:11.129 Savannah Gilbo: when she wakes up. It's it seems weird to me that she's not immediately thinking of like, where did Darryl go? Because Daryl was the one giving her the test. And then I was also wondering. 256 00:49:11.280 --> 00:49:17.370 Savannah Gilbo: you know, would she wonder how long have I been passed out for? So I just felt like there was some logic we could build into there. 257 00:49:17.530 --> 00:49:20.220 Savannah Gilbo: And then, let's see. 258 00:49:21.040 --> 00:49:42.159 Savannah Gilbo: let's see, let's see, I'm just gonna go to the big things. Okay, so here, this is a fun example of we all try to hide things, or like set up things that are, you know, gonna be there for a plot twist later. Right? This is a so let's look at this. It says, is he here because he loves me? Or is he here as chairman of the council. So I said. 259 00:49:42.160 --> 00:50:07.920 Savannah Gilbo: I'm guessing this is going to be significant, like I'm guessing we'll be able to look back on this and be like, oh, now I know why he was there right but because readers don't know what's coming. It feels like you're putting a spotlight on this sentence. So it's it's almost like, Hey, reader, he's not who he seems. He is right. So is that the effect you want to have? And if so fine, or do you want to hide it a little more? And if you want to hide it a little more. 260 00:50:08.351 --> 00:50:31.259 Savannah Gilbo: maybe you put him already in the scene. So, for example, maybe there's like 3 seats outside the testing area, and only high ranking officials get to witness or whatever. And he's 1 of them. So it's kind of like his presence is still there to set up the twist I'm assuming you're gonna have come later. But it's you're not putting such a spotlight on it. So you're burying it a little more. 261 00:50:31.280 --> 00:50:35.739 Savannah Gilbo: And I'm curious. Jeanette. Let me know in the chat, if you're like, yeah, I'm planning a twist. 262 00:50:35.750 --> 00:50:37.930 Savannah Gilbo: or if I'm just totally off base there. 263 00:50:38.560 --> 00:50:47.026 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So let's see. There's a few little things like just little things you can look at later, and then 264 00:50:47.470 --> 00:50:49.260 Savannah Gilbo: I said, Here! 265 00:50:49.900 --> 00:50:55.689 Savannah Gilbo: You could start the scene after a test is already done. So I said this earlier, like 266 00:50:56.023 --> 00:51:09.730 Savannah Gilbo: instead of repeating the test and having her do it again and having a different outcome. You could just start us off with the test. Didn't work like we're gonna have to do this again and then have her react to that. Okay, I see Jeanette saying, yes, there's a twist. Okay. 267 00:51:10.513 --> 00:51:27.499 Savannah Gilbo: and I love this. I just love like we're so in her head that you know when she sees herself with a pregnant belly, and then she sees herself being a shield engineer, which is a male's job. It's like I feel what I'm sure she feels because you've set it up so well of what she wants to happen. 268 00:51:27.680 --> 00:51:29.600 Savannah Gilbo: So I thought that was really good. 269 00:51:30.010 --> 00:51:32.919 Savannah Gilbo: And then, let's see. 270 00:51:33.680 --> 00:51:44.579 Savannah Gilbo: yeah. And I feel so. There's some things throughout the scene. I said. I think you should set this up a little earlier like that, you know, cause I'm sure the fact that she's not going to get her test her results right away would 271 00:51:44.770 --> 00:51:58.520 Savannah Gilbo: kind of come into her thoughts throughout the beginning of the scene. So maybe we set that up earlier, and it kind of heightens the the tension, because it's like we just saw her go through this thing that she didn't expect. And now we don't even get the results like Oh, my gosh! Right 272 00:51:59.163 --> 00:52:14.340 Savannah Gilbo: and then here, so similar to what I said earlier. Kessie is a Barrett's daughter and her best friend, so I was just kind of wondering why is she concerned about anyone finding out that there was an unclear result? What are the bigger stakes and things like that? 273 00:52:16.300 --> 00:52:18.519 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see? 274 00:52:18.880 --> 00:52:40.339 Savannah Gilbo: Yeah, I just liked how I liked this ending here. So she's kind of like, tomorrow's the day tomorrow I find out what this is. I hope I'm female. And then she gives us a little color of who she is, so there's no use driving myself crazy. Who am I kidding? I worry about everything. It's what I do. So I really liked that part. But any questions or comments concerns Jeanette. 275 00:52:44.950 --> 00:52:47.630 Savannah Gilbo: drink some of my coffee while we wait there. You are. 276 00:52:47.630 --> 00:52:49.529 Jeanette Dover: Feedback. It was great. 277 00:52:50.430 --> 00:52:51.967 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, good. And 278 00:52:52.610 --> 00:52:58.830 Savannah Gilbo: yeah, I think, did it make sense what I was saying about the spotlight on that on the setup for the plot twist. 279 00:52:59.140 --> 00:53:02.110 Jeanette Dover: Yes, okay, absolutely did. 280 00:53:02.330 --> 00:53:06.370 Savannah Gilbo: Alright cool. Well, we will get you a copy of all these notes. You can digest them later. 281 00:53:06.920 --> 00:53:08.530 Jeanette Dover: Thank you. That's great. 282 00:53:08.530 --> 00:53:09.520 Savannah Gilbo: You're welcome. 283 00:53:10.370 --> 00:53:22.659 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, let's see. So we're looking for Michael or Julie Ann are either of you here, and Michelle, let me know what you want me to do if they are not here? Do you want me to just go over them as if they were here? 284 00:53:23.620 --> 00:53:24.749 Savannah Gilbo: Let me know. 285 00:53:24.750 --> 00:53:28.990 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: A mic in the chat, but I don't know if it's the same 286 00:53:29.140 --> 00:53:31.330 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: one who submitted. 287 00:53:31.330 --> 00:53:32.889 Savannah Gilbo: Okay? Well. 288 00:53:32.910 --> 00:53:35.779 Savannah Gilbo: in the event that it's not, do you want me to just go through them. 289 00:53:36.300 --> 00:53:42.270 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Yeah, feel free to do your high level review. I don't see anybody in the chat 290 00:53:42.580 --> 00:53:46.375 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: saying that they are Michael or Julianne, so. 291 00:53:46.850 --> 00:53:53.280 Savannah Gilbo: Well, if they pop on, feel free to interrupt me, and in the event that the mic is Michael, we will go through that 1 1.st 292 00:53:54.082 --> 00:53:55.800 Savannah Gilbo: So this is. 293 00:53:56.060 --> 00:53:59.040 Savannah Gilbo: I'm just going to summarize this again very generically. 294 00:53:59.768 --> 00:54:22.629 Savannah Gilbo: Let's see, Jane is our point of view character, and she's going. She's been, I think, invited or called to go see this man, Dr. Clark speak, and they have a history. And Dr. Clark is working on time travel. Basically they both work on time travel, but he's got something that he wants to show people, and that's why she's here, even though they have kind of a pained history between them. 295 00:54:22.940 --> 00:54:44.940 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, so high level, I said, 3 things that are already working. So I said, in general, this is a great place for your story to start. It's a momentous day, right? Because some time, Traveley, things happen which we'll see in a minute. She's Jane's reuniting with her old colleague, and there's some uncomfortable history. So you know, I think this is the right place for your story to start. 296 00:54:45.226 --> 00:55:11.299 Savannah Gilbo: Also, it seems like the central plot is kicking in right away here in Chapter one which is also fantastic. We'll see in the scene that at the end Jane takes Dr. Clark's files. So I was very curious like, what is she gonna learn about what he's been doing or about time travel in general. And I think these are the the if. I'm envisioning the type of story, I think is coming. I think these are the right questions we want readers to be asking. So that's great 297 00:55:11.590 --> 00:55:26.979 Savannah Gilbo: and then there were things that didn't go the way I expected them. So I was surprised. We'll see in the scene that time. Travel didn't work. I was surprised that Dr. Clark died, even though there's an excerpt in the in the beginning that gives it away. So I thought that was great. 298 00:55:27.390 --> 00:55:34.419 Savannah Gilbo: and then 3 things we could improve. I think we can ground the reader in in Jane's point of view from the very beginning. So. 299 00:55:34.717 --> 00:56:03.849 Savannah Gilbo: we'll see how the scene starts, and it's different from what I'm suggesting. But I think we should ground readers in her perspective and show us her thoughts and feelings as she reacts to what's happening. And then I also thought you could start the scene just a smidge later. So right now she's arriving at the school or university, whatever, and then she goes to the lecture hall. I think you should just start once. She's in the lecture hall. She hasn't talked to Dr. Clark yet, and then you can kind of catch us up on. 300 00:56:03.920 --> 00:56:07.760 Savannah Gilbo: You know the back story as she's waiting for him to arrive, or whatever 301 00:56:08.333 --> 00:56:20.380 Savannah Gilbo: and then the point of view choice could be clearer. So I wasn't sure. Is there meant to be an omniscient narrator? Or are you trying to write 3rd Person limited. So there's instances of both. I wasn't sure what your intention was, but 302 00:56:20.400 --> 00:56:27.569 Savannah Gilbo: you know again, the cool thing about this there's a theme here. Right? So it's all kind of around character and point of view. 303 00:56:27.847 --> 00:56:34.800 Savannah Gilbo: I, personally like when there's themes, because it means okay. These are the things I need to work on. Other things were probably working pretty well. 304 00:56:35.160 --> 00:56:40.930 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So we'll go through this one a little quickly, just because I don't think Michael's here, and he will get these 305 00:56:40.980 --> 00:56:42.240 Savannah Gilbo: notes. 306 00:56:42.260 --> 00:57:01.409 Savannah Gilbo: But so this this part here says, an hour ago Jane was with Dr. Clark the closest thing to a father figure she had ever known in his lecture hall. Now she stood over his dead body. Although estranged, he had invited her to Berkeley to witness his demonstration of time travel. She believed it was his way of making amends. 307 00:57:01.570 --> 00:57:10.680 Savannah Gilbo: So I I read through the chapter, and I came back to this and and just the thought for you, Michael, is that this basically gives away what happens in the scene. 308 00:57:10.770 --> 00:57:23.632 Savannah Gilbo: So I wasn't sure if you wanted to start with this, or if you're like, Oh, now that you say that, yeah, I'm just gonna take it off. Because, you know, if we give away what's happening, it, it might not be as interesting as it could be. 309 00:57:24.000 --> 00:57:33.372 Savannah Gilbo: Is this a stylistic choice? So are you going to start each chapter with something like this, and then kind of go in and and show us the events. So just something to think about. 310 00:57:33.940 --> 00:57:36.239 Savannah Gilbo: you know just something to think about 311 00:57:36.926 --> 00:57:59.740 Savannah Gilbo: and then here. So kind of what I said in the 3 things to focus on, I said, you're starting us off in the past. So Jane had arrived the previous afternoon, etc, etc. She went for her morning run, and then now she's walking into Clark's lab, so it's always best to just start us right in the point of view characters present moment, just to help us get immersed in the scene. 312 00:58:00.546 --> 00:58:18.360 Savannah Gilbo: And then so I'll let you read through these, Michael, when you watch the replay and I want to get down to some of this stuff. So what happens in the current version is. Jane goes to see Dr. Clark before the presentation. So they have a little exchange here and 313 00:58:18.900 --> 00:58:45.140 Savannah Gilbo: up until this point it's just kind of neutral information about Dr. Clark and about Jane, and then here he says, how nice to see you! I wasn't sure if you'd come. How long has it been. And then she says, you know how long? She snapped. So this is the only time we get the sense of like, something's not right between them. And there's quite a bit of stuff before we get that sense. So I would have loved to see more insight into. 314 00:58:45.320 --> 00:58:53.180 Savannah Gilbo: You know her feelings around him what she expects when she greets him for the 1st time. You know, just things like that, because we really want to be in her head. 315 00:58:53.370 --> 00:58:54.515 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, 316 00:58:55.800 --> 00:59:02.725 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see, I highlighted some examples of interiority where it works really well. So this part. 317 00:59:03.630 --> 00:59:21.070 Savannah Gilbo: He, he says. Now now, Jane, and she says, now don't now, Jane, me she paused. Clark could no more change his misogynistic tendencies than he could fly to the moon. She bore him little ill will. Like most things in life, it was complicated. So we're getting insight into how she's processing or how she's 318 00:59:21.240 --> 00:59:26.830 Savannah Gilbo: internally reacting to what's happening. That's a good example of interiority. So we want to do more of that. 319 00:59:27.190 --> 00:59:50.249 Savannah Gilbo: Okay, and then just some little things you can clarify here she choose. She's like, I'm going to go to the lecture hall and let you finish. So I was kind of like, why does she decide to leave right now? It seems like she's about to, you know, see what she came for. So I just it felt a little weird that she's like, Hi, we're we're not friends anymore. I'm gonna go wait for you in the lecture hall. So just for me to think about. 320 00:59:50.880 --> 01:00:09.980 Savannah Gilbo: I really, I think my interest really kicked in when they're in the lecture hall. So again, that's why I'm like I think you should start. She's she's arriving. She's nervous about seeing her old colleagues, you know. What's it going to be like after 5 years? What does she think about something? He's about to unveil things like that. I think you'll achieve the same effect 321 01:00:09.990 --> 01:00:12.899 Savannah Gilbo: you have you want in a more interesting way? 322 01:00:14.064 --> 01:00:15.839 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. 323 01:00:17.110 --> 01:00:32.500 Savannah Gilbo: So there's just a some little things in here. Some things I really liked. So I, Dr. Clark, I can really envision him. He's like that total smart Professor Guy. Very focused on time travel and his work. I could totally see him. 324 01:00:33.195 --> 01:00:37.560 Savannah Gilbo: Another good example of interiority here, just something you can look at later. 325 01:00:37.830 --> 01:01:07.749 Savannah Gilbo: And then her actions were a little confusing to me. So you know she's she starts the scene. She's a little angry, probably a lot angry at him right because he stole her work, and then we don't really see where this change occurred. But here, you know, people are kind of yelling at him. They're laughing because what he was gonna show them didn't work. And then she she gets up and goes to the mic and says, Please, please, one question at a time. So in my head I was like, Well, why does she? Why does she step in and do this when 326 01:01:07.800 --> 01:01:13.409 Savannah Gilbo: you know I I wasn't clear when that shift of like I'm not into him. I don't like him. He's. 327 01:01:13.550 --> 01:01:19.139 Savannah Gilbo: you know, wasn't a great colleague to me to I'm going to help this person, so just something you can clarify. 328 01:01:19.310 --> 01:01:22.060 Savannah Gilbo: And then here. 329 01:01:22.790 --> 01:01:24.150 Savannah Gilbo: So this 330 01:01:24.470 --> 01:01:49.600 Savannah Gilbo: this is when I say, like, ground us in the characters point of view, and show us the story through their perspective. I think this is a good example of where we don't have a character's perspective, so ever it says. Everyone in Clark's lecture hall watched the Monitor as Clark placed the probe in the time chamber. He waited in the lab instead of going back to the lecture hall. With him were his assistant, John Wesson, and Richard Thomas Thompson, the electrical engineer. 331 01:01:49.600 --> 01:02:11.099 Savannah Gilbo: 1 min to noon the high speed video camera started displaying the time chamber on the Monitor. At noon an explosion rocked the lab. The video feed went dead. Lights in the lecture hall flickered, then went out. The emergency lights came on, the scream of the fire alarm filled the room. Everybody or everyone hurried to the door. Most ran to the building exit. A few, including Jane, rushed to the lab. 332 01:02:11.150 --> 01:02:22.559 Savannah Gilbo: So great information, great movement, great action. But what we don't have is how Jane's processing any of this right? So we know Jane, in a group of other people, is rushing to the lab. But 333 01:02:22.640 --> 01:02:31.370 Savannah Gilbo: what is she thinking? What is she feeling? What? How is she like? What is she worried about? You know. What is she focused on? We want to know all that, because that immerses us in the story. 334 01:02:33.120 --> 01:02:47.199 Savannah Gilbo: And then let's see. So what ends up happening is Dr. Clark gets smashed. He appears to be dead here. I didn't see that coming and also the probe he was using is gone. So this triggers her 335 01:02:47.650 --> 01:03:09.939 Savannah Gilbo: you know, to do something. So within this section, Michael, I was like, okay, if we know, we want to have a tough decision in every scene, you have the setup for the tough decision. It's kind of like. What do I do now that I noticed the probe is gone. She, you know, and she says I need the video. She decides to take the files. I think that's great. And what you could do to make it even better 336 01:03:10.080 --> 01:03:14.309 Savannah Gilbo: is show us like, what is she risking taking this stuff? 337 01:03:14.688 --> 01:03:31.980 Savannah Gilbo: Cause? I'm I imagine it's not really okay that she just goes in his computer and takes files right? Or what happens if the probe is taken by someone else like, show us more about what's at stake. Given that all this has happened, I think that'll really elevate you know our reading experience here. 338 01:03:32.638 --> 01:03:59.709 Savannah Gilbo: And then here, I said I I wasn't sure if the page limit cut you off, or if this was meant to be the end of the scene. But it didn't feel complete. So either way, just something to think about cause she's trapped, and there's fire around her, so I was just kind of like. Oh, my gosh! It's fine as a chapter break as long as the scene continues in the next chapter, but if it was meant to be the end of the scene, you'll probably just wanna make sure the complete scene structure is there. 339 01:04:00.380 --> 01:04:08.829 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So, Michelle. I don't know if Michael told us that he is, or Mike told us he is the Michael, but if not, I'll just move on to Julie Ann's. 340 01:04:08.860 --> 01:04:10.620 Savannah Gilbo: Juliana's pages. 341 01:04:10.770 --> 01:04:12.560 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: You can go ahead and move on. 342 01:04:12.560 --> 01:04:13.185 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. 343 01:04:13.970 --> 01:04:39.701 Savannah Gilbo: Alright. So this Juliana's pages. I'm gonna give a very quick overview again. So the character here, Bella Bella Ramirez, she's trying to set up a perimeter, I think, with a drone. Sorry if I have that wrong. She's trying to set up some perimeter because it's contribution day. This is a big holiday big celebration, and she's, you know, talking with her fellow. 344 01:04:40.230 --> 01:05:00.291 Savannah Gilbo: let's see, what are they called? Basically like her fellow cadets or her fellow employees, whatever we want to call them. And then she she she runs into somebody that she knew before. And and he he's basically asking her like, what kind of person do you want to be? Someone like these cadets, or someone like you know me and and my friends? 345 01:05:00.660 --> 01:05:05.130 Savannah Gilbo: so that's that's a very general overview of what happens. 346 01:05:05.910 --> 01:05:07.410 Savannah Gilbo: Let's see. 347 01:05:07.880 --> 01:05:24.660 Savannah Gilbo: let's go to the the 3 things that are working, 3 things to improve. So 3 things that are working. I think Vela's a very likable protagonist. I I loved her perspective. I wanted to read more about her and learn more about like what brought her to this day. And then. 348 01:05:24.660 --> 01:05:41.460 Savannah Gilbo: you know, in that lens I thought you had a really nice balance of things happening so like stuff happening in the scene versus showing us Bella's this is meant to say, interiority, not intensity, interiority. So like how she's processing things, you had a really nice balance of that. 349 01:05:41.640 --> 01:06:03.800 Savannah Gilbo: and I liked the idea of Vela struggling with being of 2 worlds. So it's like she's part of the cadets, and she's part of the people who are not cadets, and I could imagine how Vela could struggle with this throughout the entire story, and I feel like she's gonna eventually have to choose who she's loyal to, who she belongs with things like that which is great. 350 01:06:04.210 --> 01:06:24.399 Savannah Gilbo: And then, Vela, I liked her relationship with tack. So even from these 1st 5 pages he's a another cadet, another officer with her as a reader I was like, are they romantically involved? Are they going to be. Are they more brother and sister? And either way I just love their interaction, and I wanted more of them. So that was all great 351 01:06:24.730 --> 01:06:26.830 Savannah Gilbo: things to improve. So 352 01:06:27.480 --> 01:06:46.890 Savannah Gilbo: we do want some more big picture context and in everyone's pages. It's going to be okay to keep some things held back from the reader, or something secret, but we don't want to keep everything back, because that makes pages too vague, and it's hard for us to sink into what's happening, and I'll show you an example of that in a second. 353 01:06:47.320 --> 01:06:58.090 Savannah Gilbo: But in these pages, specifically, it's unclear. Why, Bella doesn't like this holiday, so she's she's not into the holiday. Something happened with her mother. 354 01:06:58.431 --> 01:07:14.819 Savannah Gilbo: Her grandfather has, or maybe doesn't have, something to do with this holiday. That's unclear, and it's unclear what a contributor actually is. So it's Contribution Day. I don't know what a contributor is, and my note was. It's just a little bit too much to hold back. 355 01:07:14.820 --> 01:07:30.581 Savannah Gilbo: So I think we should give readers context about something. So personally, I would vote for what are contributors? What is contribution day? You know a little bit more about how Vela is of 2 worlds like. Show us this more and 356 01:07:31.100 --> 01:08:00.589 Savannah Gilbo: I think you mentioned. I have your summary on my other screen, and you mentioned in the summary that Vela wants to be a con a contributor. And we don't see that in these 1st few pages, so I think we could show that, and that'll help ground us in Bella's perspective and and get us on the same page as her. So that's 1 thing. And then scene structure. I would just work on this a little bit. So again, each scene should have a goal. There should be conflict that escalates, and eventually the point of view character should face a tough decision. 357 01:08:00.590 --> 01:08:16.120 Savannah Gilbo: And I think here Bella's goal is really clear. So she wants to set up a perimeter. That's there's no question about that. But we don't know what's gonna happen if she succeeds or fails. So the stakes need to be set up, and then there probably needs to be a little more conflict. 358 01:08:16.120 --> 01:08:39.909 Savannah Gilbo: So she faces some like their struggles with the drone. There's words exchanged with other people, but like what is everything building to? And and you know there's no tough question for her to face. So I think the answer is, we don't know yet. So we want to build in kind of that peak moment of conflict. Have her make some kind of tough decision that has consequences later, and things like that. 359 01:08:40.210 --> 01:08:52.079 Savannah Gilbo: And then just this is kind of a small note, but there are things in the setting that I I'm asking you to clarify in my notes, so I could mostly picture things, and I think you did a really good job with the setting in general. 360 01:08:52.330 --> 01:09:03.740 Savannah Gilbo: But I kept having trouble envisioning the distance between the people and the groups, so that it was like one specific thing in your setting that I I couldn't imagine. Every time I tried to think about it. 361 01:09:03.859 --> 01:09:12.920 Savannah Gilbo: So big picture stuff again, like easily fixable or definitely fixable, no matter what and a lot of great stuff in here. So let's quickly go through this. 362 01:09:13.459 --> 01:09:33.420 Savannah Gilbo: I thought this was a really good example in the in the opening. It's Happy Contribution Day, the Burnish gold and Navy banner mocked from its perch on the Azura City Hall. So just this one word mocked really gives us like a flavor of who, like what the protagonist feels about this day. Right? And it's just one word. So this one word has a lot of power 363 01:09:33.590 --> 01:09:34.890 Savannah Gilbo: which is cool. 364 01:09:35.319 --> 01:09:52.720 Savannah Gilbo: Also, there's color here. So Vela Ramirez had been trying to avoid this day since returning to the Dome City nearly a year ago. So I in my notes, I said, I'm curious why she's avoiding it. You don't have to explain that to me. I'm just saying I'm I'm curious. That's good. I want to read more. 365 01:09:52.750 --> 01:10:01.120 Savannah Gilbo: But the one thing I would add is, why, why did she return like what made her unable to avoid it? So, for example. 366 01:10:01.430 --> 01:10:11.809 Savannah Gilbo: I'm going to reread the sentence and add to it. Vela Ramirez had been trying to avoid this day since returning to the Dome City nearly a year ago, but she couldn't, because, you know. 367 01:10:12.160 --> 01:10:21.100 Savannah Gilbo: or she but she she couldn't not return. Her mother was sick, you know, so tell us why she came back. I think that would be some good context to add. 368 01:10:21.520 --> 01:10:51.070 Savannah Gilbo: and then let's see that I'm just gonna skip the small things I was confused a little bit about the drone like I get. She's trying to put up a perimeter. But it wasn't until later that I understood that she was trying to protect the people in the the City Hall lawn. So at 1st I was like, I don't know if she's coming to attack these people, or I don't know if she's working with these people trying to protect them. It was just a little unclear, so you could add in some specifics to help that. 369 01:10:51.210 --> 01:10:52.563 Savannah Gilbo: And then 370 01:10:53.690 --> 01:10:54.890 Savannah Gilbo: let's see. 371 01:10:54.960 --> 01:11:08.919 Savannah Gilbo: I thought you did a really nice job of dropping clues about things and then deepening things like deepening our thoughts on those. So here it says today's always been important. We haven't been back for one of these since, you know. 372 01:11:09.060 --> 01:11:23.109 Savannah Gilbo: and this morning you were a little worked up. So it's kind of like. She's reiterating that she hasn't been back here for this event since, however, many years ago. We still don't need to know the answer to this. But you know it's a great way to 373 01:11:23.210 --> 01:11:26.610 Savannah Gilbo: to reiterate that there's something you should be curious about. 374 01:11:27.280 --> 01:11:34.839 Savannah Gilbo: Okay. So let's see, I'm skipping all the little things that you can address later. 375 01:11:35.300 --> 01:11:39.019 Savannah Gilbo: And then I said, this was really interesting. So 376 01:11:40.510 --> 01:11:57.769 Savannah Gilbo: oh, so this, basically she they're sparring. She's sparring with a a person named Omar, and she kind of goes a little too extreme on him. So I was just wondering for a little more context here like? Does she blame her actions on the day that today is like, is that why she's a little on edge? 377 01:11:57.770 --> 01:12:11.720 Savannah Gilbo: Or is it like something that we should be paying attention to like? Is she even aware that she went kind of nuts like? Is there more to it? Or is it just because today is so hard for her. So again, nothing huge. You would have to add just a little bit to clarify 378 01:12:13.114 --> 01:12:29.499 Savannah Gilbo: and then let's see. So this part, I thought was great context, and it maybe needs to go up in the scene to help answer some of the other questions I had. So here Haas says, why do you let the silly holiday get you all worked up? 379 01:12:29.500 --> 01:12:54.019 Savannah Gilbo: Bella pursed her lips. She didn't know what was worse, everyone telling her she was all worked up, or host calling Contribution Day silly being named a contributor was an honor, a title granted to Azurians at adulthood. If they demonstrated goodness of fit in society. So, having this information earlier, would have answered a lot of the other questions I asked you, and I would also add in something to show that she wants to be a contributor. So 380 01:12:54.370 --> 01:12:58.439 Savannah Gilbo: on one hand, you could, you could maybe say we could infer from this. But 381 01:12:58.540 --> 01:13:02.989 Savannah Gilbo: you know you can technically read this as very neutral like she's saying 382 01:13:03.080 --> 01:13:12.580 Savannah Gilbo: being named a contributor was an honor, maybe something she doesn't even think for herself. Right? So we just want to add her into this piece here, if that makes sense. 383 01:13:13.246 --> 01:13:28.869 Savannah Gilbo: And then some little setting questions here I was kind of wondering, like she sees contributors. I was wondering like, how does she feel about them? Is she happy for them? Is she pity them? Does she feel something else so just adding a little more of her into this. 384 01:13:29.410 --> 01:13:30.810 Savannah Gilbo: and then. 385 01:13:31.586 --> 01:13:32.879 Savannah Gilbo: let's see. 386 01:13:33.390 --> 01:13:45.240 Savannah Gilbo: So there's something about her mother, too. She wanted to remind him that her mother was the reason she couldn't be a contributor. So you know, I just had some questions like, Oh, this is interesting. Is that part of why she hates today. 387 01:13:45.785 --> 01:13:47.300 Savannah Gilbo: Things like that. 388 01:13:47.540 --> 01:13:53.299 Savannah Gilbo: And then here. So this is, I think we're yeah. We're at the end. So this is 389 01:13:54.070 --> 01:13:55.299 Savannah Gilbo: Let's see. 390 01:13:55.870 --> 01:14:01.051 Savannah Gilbo: So the the characters, the character she's talking to Haas is kind of 391 01:14:01.560 --> 01:14:15.979 Savannah Gilbo: Someone else is talking to her. Let's see who what this guy's name is. The minister. So the minister, saying, Bella, you are of 2 worlds, must be difficult to uphold our Azurian ways while associated with these barbarians. I hope you continue to seek your fit. 392 01:14:17.880 --> 01:14:36.900 Savannah Gilbo: And so I was wondering. And and this might be something we find out later. But she's a Cg City guard. I think that's what it stands for. So I was wondering if she's a Cg. Does that not mean that she's choose to chosen a side like? How can we make it clear that being a Cg. Isn't her picking a side, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. 393 01:14:37.330 --> 01:14:40.199 Savannah Gilbo: Cause if her whole story is about 394 01:14:40.400 --> 01:14:46.759 Savannah Gilbo: picking a side. And who does she belong with? We just want to make sure readers are clear that she hasn't already done that. 395 01:14:47.060 --> 01:14:50.619 Savannah Gilbo: So, anyway, I hope that makes sense. There's a lot of 396 01:14:50.660 --> 01:14:56.079 Savannah Gilbo: other little things in here you can think about and address, but we will send this to you as well, Julianne. 397 01:14:56.210 --> 01:14:58.546 Savannah Gilbo: And then, Michelle, do you want to 398 01:14:59.270 --> 01:15:03.373 Savannah Gilbo: close out? I don't see any questions in the Q. And a. So maybe we're good. 399 01:15:03.630 --> 01:15:27.789 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Yes, I think we are good. Thank you so much, Savannah, and thank you to everybody who submitted and who just attended. We loved having you this week, and it's been a lot of fun, and we'll see you over in our community. Keep an eye out for future writing event announcements. We do have another one in the works coming up soon, so keep an eye on our socials and in the community for that, and we will see you next time. 400 01:15:28.040 --> 01:15:29.330 Savannah Gilbo: Thanks, everybody. 401 01:15:29.330 --> 01:15:30.449 Michelle @ ProWritingAid: Bye, everyone.